A gentleman’s guide to changing room etiquette

lockerroomIt’s awkward. Let’s just say it up front. This is an awkward social situation. A gentleman must walk the very fine line of courtesy to ensure he doesn’t make a social faux pas in this most delicate of environments. The very fact that you’re reading this shows that you too have felt that weight of uncertainty, when moving between sports and social wear. Many great men have gone before and died of embarrassment to bring these ten changing room commandments:

  1. Put it away
    This is not an opportunity to strut around naked. You’re here to change. This does not include a nude wander around the room. It’s great that you’re proud of your physique, but nobody else wishes to share the pride.
  2. Know your place
    Try to avoid leaving an explosion of clothes, shoes, coats etc around the area you’re getting changed in. Nobody wants to reach over your tighty wighties to get to their locker.
  3. Keep shower noises to a minimum
    Yes that shower may well be invigorating. Yes that shower gel may well be refreshing. Put the grunts you’re making in your shower cubicle are unacceptable.
  4. If you drop you loose change, it’s gone
    There is never a good reason to go crawling around the floor of a changing room. You’re best hope is if another man takes pity on you and collects some of your change. Otherwise that lost change is a penalty for clumsiness.
  5. This is not an opportunity to make new friends
    There is no scenario in which a man is looking for engaging conversation, when he has his balls out.
  6. Put your empties in the bin
    Neither your parents, friends nor partners are going pick that up for you. Have some consideration and use the bin.
  7. Don’t put your bare arse down on the bench
    Why the hell would you even want to. Are you that confident in your gym’s cleaning staff?!
  8. Save the compliments
    Again this is no place to small talk, but more specifically paying compliments is entirely out of bounds.
  9. Decline that call
    Like a crowded train or a quiet restaurant, this is no time for taking phone calls. Nor is it the right moment to
  10. Never, ever, ever put one foot up on the bench
    Cardinal sin. See numbers 1, 2 and 5. To back this point up. Not under any circumstances. Above all others remember this one and save your fellow man from visual distress.
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