1 Shower cap
One of only two things not to take from a hotel’s complimentary bathroom miniatures.
2 Emergency sewing kit
The other one.
3 ‘Going out’ shirt
Yeh, go on, advertise the fact you’ve never got laid.
4 Anything built from matchsticks
Or Airfix. Or Scalextric.
5 Bread maker
Never going to happen – let it go.
6 Beaded car seat
Unless you’re an unlicensed minicab driver.
7 A bicycle you lie down on to ride
Slots neatly beneath the axles of a bus.
8 Fob watch
Do you really want to build your outfit around a centuries old timepiece?
9 Memorial sculpture dedicated to Lady Di
Or anything bought from the Daily Express classifieds.
They go really well with the plastic lining on your sofa.
11 Bonsai tree
Sign up for an allotment, fool.
12 Sun-reacting glasses
Paedovision. Enough said.
13 Mobile phone holster
Yes, even if you are a building contractor.
14 Small moustache
There are several reasons, but you know the big one.
You’re neither a career chef or a ‘keen’ gardener.
If it’s novelty you want, try an Alsatian with back wheels instead of hind legs.
Recycle your rubbish like everyone else.
18 Dido CD
And clear out David Gray’s White Ladder while you’re there.
19 Jewelry you bought while ‘travelling’
How do you make a fraying ethnic leather choke chain look even less cool? Pair it with a bad suit.
20 ‘Lucky’ pants
They’re not lucky. Hence why you’ve owned them since University.
21 A restraining order
It smacks of self-control issues.
22 Chain for your specs
Unless you own a West London antique lighting shop and have silver hair. But that’s the only exception.
23 Peach loo roll
It’s got to be white, white, white. And no, you don’t need a ‘luxury’ texture.
24 Framed graduation photograph
Wow, you got a 2:2 in Communications. Complete with wrong haircut and dappled backdrop.
25 A skateboard
Grow up man.
26 Street caricature of yourself
Didn’t turn out as well as his detailed rendering of Brad Pitt now did it?
27 Matching luggage
And while you’re there, lose the sunglasses from the Stansted airport check-in queue too. You’re not on holiday yet.
28 Talcum powder
That’s right, advertise the fact you’re a bit sweaty downstairs.
Who are you, Postman Pat? Get a bike – one you lie down to ride.
I’d also like to add…
30 A Biography by anyone who had appeared on a reality TV show